New Element Discovered.

From today’s National Post:

PHYSICS DISCOVERY
New ‘inert’ element

Adapted from Internet humour circulating via e-mail:
The online science magazine Tomorrow’s Discoveries, which specializes in breaking major science news before it actually happens, reports the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium ( Gv), has one neutron, 29 assistant neutrons, some 100 deputy neutrons, and 222 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 352.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four or five years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the various “flavours” of neutrons exchange places amongst themselves. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Superscale Civilservicium, an elusive element that radiates just as much negative energy as Governmentium, having fewer peons but twice as many morons.

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3 Responses to “New Element Discovered.”

HannahJ April 15th, 2008 at 6:22 pm

This brings to mind several other *new* elements, information about which I received via email from my younger brother who is still too goofy for his own good.

1. Managerium:The heaviest element known to science.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Along another vein:
2. Womanium (WO; atomic weight: “don’t even go there”)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at
nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

3. Manium (XY; atomic weight: 180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

zee April 16th, 2008 at 2:31 am

HannahJ, thank you, a wonderful contribution, however, I would assign far nobler attributes to Manium, but, I never did well in chemistry ;)

Aurora April 16th, 2008 at 7:56 am

Zee, nice little piece. And I’m chucking in my two cents worth:
Add a healthy dose of skepticism to Governmentium and you have Conservatorium; a powerful free radical which could threaten the dominance of Superscale Civilservicium routing and dispersing the morons into the Oblivionium.

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